It's been a rough couple of months after returning from Boston. Since that time, I've lost a few friends, gained a few, had big projects fall away, gained a new one, gained lots of weight, drank lots of wine, sprained my ankle, fallen a few times (before the ankle), been sick a few times, been exhausted most of the time, been told I'm an asshole, bad person, unprofessional, threatened and all around, shit on. I haven't been doing radio shows because, on top of all of that, my commute has had an hour added to it each way and my health has been horrible. My anxiety and depression has gotten worse as well and a lot of days I'm just trying to cope. Time to clean up and climb out of the pit of despair.
Regret. Saying things about people while drinking and not remembering that I said them, then wondered why I said them at all. I've never felt like that about those people, but still they came out of my mouth. I'm still processing that.
Loss. Watching a 20 year friendship get shoved aside by the other person. Someone you thought was like family, like a sister and a confidant; while on the phone, all of a sudden didn't have time to see or talk to you, like you were some unpaying client that they didn't have time for. That was devastating.
Feeling Betrayed. Being left out of a decision. Not asked, not consulted, but assumed by a group of other people that I didn't want to be involved or at least give me the benefit of turning down the offer and then finding out that something had happened behind my back.
Shocked; not shocked. A project that I've worked on for 18 months, gone with the decision of one person, then revamped; then revamped again and then finally revamped again.
Regret. Bringing my shows back too soon, because I don't have the energy to produce them or put them on at the moment.
Closing Doors. So that new ones can open. A few of these people and items, just had to be let go. I hate to see the door close, but it seems that is what is supposed to happen.
Stop Drinking. I don't feel good the day after. The last 4 months I have drank to the point of forgetting when I go to bed, not knowing what I've said to and about others, Drunk-booking and binge eating and waking up with blood glucose of 200 to 300 in the morning. I would drink a half box of wine (2+ bottles) during a 3 hour radio show and not remember thanking people for hanging out or saying good night. I go back and listen to the end of my Monday night shows and you can hear me slurring all over the place.
Hiatus Again. Putting the shows on hiatus till I can clean up my life a little bit more and come back more organized, in tact and sober.
Better Me. Better diet. Better exercise. Better sleep.
All the things that I'd like to do to get back on track again.
I'm not saying it's going to be easy, in fact it's going to suck for a while and be tough as I get through this. But it is going to be worth it.
So, if I have angered, upset or done things to upset any of you in the past few months, again, I apologize. All I can do is apologize for any and all things that I have said to cause any hurt or upset. If any of you think I'm a bad person, I'm not. You really don't know me, if you think this way. So I wish you well on your journey in your life and on your own path.
Wednesday the 18th of July, 2018 was my first day sober with many more to come. I will do this. I can do this.