Deep Thoughts

This year has got off to a crappy start in some ways. In others it's been pretty cool.  You never realize how powerless you can be until illness and disability hit you. Five weeks of coughing, losing sleep and then cracking a rib from coughing and being disabled right in you tracks. Every movement hurts. Every breath. Every fart, cough, burp, nose blown and BM, hurts. Even eating to some degree. But when you can't sleep for three days while your body adjusts, it just sucks on all levels.

You become grateful for the little things. Being able to lay down and get at least six hours without a sharp knife pain in you back, is one of them. You realize that:

1. You have to lose weight.
2. You have to really focus on your meditation practice so that you can bypass the nawing pain.
3. You have to start exercising to get your back muscles back so that this doesn't happen again. Or at least to get it to the point where it takes more before it happens again.
4. That you really need to focus on those things you've been putting off. Because something like this teaches you that it could have been worse and you might not ever get those things done if you had something more disabling happen to you.
5. That the person that you married is there for you no matter what. Through thick and thin, you are a team and you'll do anything in you power to take care of the other person no matter what happens. That's pure gold right there and true unconditional love.
6. That your animals know something is wrong and you need love and comfortable cuddles.
7. That it's okay to show that scared child that's within you and that it's not being weak to cry or show it.  That this whole "toughen up and be a man" thing is horseshit.
8. Happiness is found in your state of mind in the moment. The second you can breathe deeply without pain is a great moment.
9. You will heal.
10. You will get better.
11. You will move on.
12. And you will probably forget some of this stuff.
13. But you have this blog entry to remind you.

So for now, rest, heal, focus and let go. Tomorrow will be there for you, as will all the stuff on your to-do list.  Positive thing for today? Pain has backed off a bit and coughing has almost subsided.

May you all find peace of some kind today.

Again, I forge onward.

It's lunchtime on the 12th of March. My step-son's birthday is today. Looking forward to doing Medieval Times again for both boy's birthday celebrations. Winter has come and thankfully gone. Not much to do but stay in doors and eat this winter. Where does that get you? 354 pounds and a high daily blood glucose level. Yep, it's time to pick up the pieces and forge onward and upward. I blew the dust off MyFitnessPal, opened up MapMyWalk and walked .77 miles today, .5 yesterday.

The problem I have is working through immense back pain a quarter mile in from the weight I'm carrying in front. I need to walk though, so I'll start off small and go from there. I want to be up to walking a mile by Monday or Tuesday next week and then up to two miles by the end of March. I want to walk downtown this summer and walk some Diabetes support walks and maybe a breast cancer walk or two. I loved walking once before, and I'll love it once again. Mary and I have been talking about joining the AVA (American Volksport Association) and doing some 5 and 10K walks, when I get down about 70 pounds and am able to walk those distances again, is when we will join. It's something to shoot for. You're never too old. Plus, I feel like it's time.

Wish me luck folks.

Stop by and listen to the Musical Relaxation Station if you need some stress relief. We recently went to a self hypnosis class at the Unitarian Universalist Society of Geneva. It was excellent! It is also what has helped get me all geared up for a change for the better in health. More information on that to come.

Like before, I've always said I'd post my stories here. And I'll hopefully be more regular in that respect. For now, everyone have a peaceful day. Get out and walk! It's beautiful outside and Spring is in the air, in some parts of the country. I know outside of Chicago its a warm welcome. :)

Dave

Where do I begin.  It's 4/7/2014.  A lot has happened since I wrote in this blog.  We've had a lot of people pass in our lives. Including my mother.  Who I miss dearly. My health has not gotten any better, in fact, it feels like it's getting worse.  I went to SXSW this last month.  Sent to the event by my company.  Which was totally awesome, but I was in no shape to walk the 1.7 miles each way from the downtown area of Austin, Texas to the AirBnB house we rented while we were down there.  I felt like I put an immense burden on the guys that I stayed with as well.  The second night we were there, was the opening night of the event.  I logged over 16,000+ steps on my Noom walking count, and it was probably even more than that, because we flipped the midnight counter by the time I got home.  It seemed like nothing short of a miracle that someone had been available with their little golf cart, to take me back to the house.  After having my battery on my phone die before this happened and sending out a help request to the guys I was with...pulling them away from a party they were attending.  Embarrassing to say the least.  My feet hurt, my back hurt, I drank a lot and just didn't feel well the whole time I was there.  I took long breaks in between events and just sat and took in the surroundings.  Now mind you, I still had an awesome time!  

So this is one example of many, lately.  I was to a point yesterday, that I was at band practice and my feet got cold from the basement floor and they started to cramp.  Blood flow to my feet has not been good the last few years and when they get cold they cramp, badly.  I feel like a hindrance there as well.  I know, it sounds like woe is me, but really, it's not.  I'm just not in shape and need to take control of it again.  I'm really tired of feeling tired all the time and the excuse of getting old or having diabetes, just isn't flying with me at all this morning.  

So I started MyFitnessPal back up.  I've swapped out my work shoes to see if I can get a mild walk in today, because my Nike's I've been wearing, seem to be hurting my feet even more lately.  I'm going to head out to Subway for lunch today and get a healthy sandwich or salad and walk a little.  I need to start back up slowly, but I need to start.  My energy is stuck in the "pit of despair" (Princess Bride reference).  Hoping that this starts to bring my blood sugar back in balance and I start to lose weight again.  I really want to see 260 in the next 8 months, or even lower.  There's so much I want to do with family that I feel like I'm holding us back. 

Thanks for reading this blog.  Hopefully I'll have more positive exciting things to post about my progress soon. :)

Peace,

Dave

PS. Drop by my radio shows sometime.  There are 4 stations set up.  One is a regular Monday night live show called Independent Share that runs from 7pm to 10pm CST:

The other is the Musical Relaxation Station, which I try to sneak in a show here and there on the weekends:

Two new ones are Rock and Progressive Rock relates.  The first is Melodic Rock Radio:

and the second is ProgCrastination, which might take on a life of it's own here soon and have a regular schedule:   

Time passes by...

3 months ago I was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes.  I've looked at it as a wake up call.  I've done some changes to diet and exercise regimens, I have even gone to classes for Diabetes Education and have also been reading like a madman.  For all the promise and hope of reversing Diabetes, they are all just really the ability to stave off the inevitable of having it come back at a later age.  You are buying time for when the pancreas actually does shut down and stops producing insulin.

I pop 4 Metformin a day, 1 Onglyza, 1 Crestor, 1 Omeprazole and 1 hit in each nostril of Dymista (Flonase with an allergy medicine in it for sinusitis).  It is my daily pill regimen now. I sit here listening to Yes' album "The Ladder", with promises of a better day and a hopeful life and love and light and all those things, but it doesn't mean they will come true.  But I would like to believe that there is some moment of peace for me that I have not found yet with this disease that I have.  I've not let it bother me till tonight, but taking the pills tonight, it struck me.  Is this to be the rest of my life?  Popping pills to keep the inevitable at bay?

I have thought of going Vegan, I have read so much from the books "Forks Over Knives", "Engine 2 Diet", "The China Study" and also Neal Barnard's book "Reversing Diabetes", and I have high hopes that even something like this might help. But will it really help me?  I'm not sure.  I trudge on as time passes and pop pills several times a day.

Okay, so I'm not having to wear a pump or poke myself with a needle to give myself insulin...yet, but I know one day it will come.  Some say, "well, you could also get hit by a bus tomorrow."  true, very true, and I guess I look at that perspective as well, but sometimes I sit here and just let it get to me, so I write.  And I share.  Because you never know who is out there who has some of the same feelings and issues based on what is going on inside while dealing with Diabetes or any disease for that matter.  Know you're not alone in that thought.

I've been asked many times now, "how are you feeling?" Not just by Facebook lately (LOL) but walking into the doctor's office, the dentist recently and my favorite, the Diabetes Ed Nurse and Dietitian.  I didn't even think of it bothering me in the beginning.  I was handling it pretty well.  I've been learning about stress and stress relief while researching for my site www.diabeticstressrelief.com and while doing this have been reading about how some people have extreme stress anxiety as it relates to their Diabetes.  Its overwhelming to them.

Diet, exercise, pills, testing your blood glucose regularly, counting calories and trying your best not to go overboard on eating and getting lazy or complacent with your exercise is stressful. You have thoughts of "why even worry about it?" or struggling with your own mortality before you want struggle with it.  Well, the overwhelm has hit me.  I'm sitting here and trying to listen to some positive music tonight and writing to let go of some of this stress.  I've watched some of my videos and those do relax me, which is cool that my own stuff works on me pretty well, but  I had to put on some Yes as well.  I needed some positive reinforcement and some blogging.

If I can share just one thing with people, its to relax and let go.  Writing helps, music helps (positive lyrics or just instrumentals), watching an uplifting movie; for some prayer helps, meditating, visualization exercises...whatever it takes, hang in there for one more day.  Things are always better and brighter tomorrow, but mostly, be in the present moment.  Sit with this thing called Diabetes and realize that its something that is a part of you now, it does not own you, you own it.  You do not have to let it rule you, make you an emotional mess or ruin your vision of a brighter future, because that comes from a place of fear and as it is said in the book "Dune"...

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." 

Conquer that fear and replace it with some happiness.

A friend pointed me to an article that talked about finding the "Drops of Awesome" and to fill up that bucket with every drop of awesome that I can think of.  That's what I have been trying to do as I sit here and write and share.

I leave you with this.  A song from the album that I've been listening too this evening, the band is Yes, the song is from "The Ladder" and is called "Finally".  Listen to the words, very powerful and they help me get centered from the fear that I create in my mind about this disease.  "Finally we've put it to the test!"  One last thing to report, my 3 month check, was great.  My A1C is 6.8 now and that is considered "under control" for a Diabetic.  It was 11.2 when I saw him 3 months ago.

Namaste,

Dave

Sometimes You Need to Refocus

Yeah, it's late.  Yeah, I'm tired.  And sometimes you are battling internal struggles with weight and self esteem and need to refocus on what you are trying to accomplish.  This is my battle song, and it happens to be called "Battles".  This was Axe's "Comfortably Numb" or "Crystal Ball"  Just some good stuff.  Great lead guitar part.  I listen to this to give me strength and let me know that I can carry on and do anything. And I will.

Trudging Along With Hope and Happiness

Since Dec 7th, 2012, when I was diagnosed with fullblown type II Diabetes, I have been up and down with my emotions and weight.  I'm on four brand new medications, diet changes and tracking everything that I do now (diet, blood pressure, sleep and glucose).  It all seemed overwhelming at first, until last night when I started to see a glimmer of balance and some hope. 

My wife and I went to diabetes education group classes last night and for once I didn't feel alone in the world of my disease.  These were people that were just diagnosed or have had it but didn't have the right education for how to manage it.  Now, not everything the teachers were teaching was accurate.  In fact, we walked away from the clases going, "huh?" at a lot of things my doctor had told us that contradict what these educators were saying.  We just received the latest ADA book called Diabetes A to Z.  I highly recommend it, because it is current and up to date information that is easy to understand.  It's not a huge book either, but it has a lot of great information in it.  

The teachers, a CDE (certified diabetic educator) and a CN (certified nutritionist) are not up to speed on some of their items they are teaching.  So much so, that it is misleading to these people that are in the class with us.  How confusing is that?  How do you tell these nurses to go update themselves on the latest information and literature that is put out by the ADA and stop teaching things that are not part of the ADA curriculum anymore?  So I just have to let that go and hope that these people get some right education from their doctors.  I am going to tell my doctor (since he is prescribing these courses) that these two are not sharing some of the right information.  The one has been teaching nutrition for 10 years and the other has been doing diabetes education for 27 years.  

I'm from the IT field.  Where we constantly have to learn new technologies and upgrade our coding skills when new versions of software come out.  If you don't, you are out of a job or get left in the dust.  These are people lives you are dealing with, and if you don't upgrade your skills, you should probably be out of a job too.  Just sayin'.  

So, we did walk away with some good tips and some not so good tips.  But it was just wonderful to be with people who all had the same questions and were going through the same set of issues and emotions that we all go through when diagnosed.  It was nice to have a group of people to lean on.

Maintaining the new regimen of exercise has been tough this week because I have a nasty head cold.  Probably the worst I've had in a few years.  I found out a lot of information of how our blood sugars get whacked out by having a cold or flu. I did not know could happen, until last night.  So this is one piece of good information that I have walked away with last night.

I have started to use MyFitnessPal instead of MyNetDiary.  The UI is more friendly and the database is absolutely huge! You can scan item bar-codes and set your goals, blog and make some new friends in weightloss along the way.  I've seen SparkPeople, LoseIt and several others, but this works with my FitBit that I just ordered to help track my steps, stairs, sleep and other items.  My software for my Accu-Check Nano came today as well, so now I can hook it up to my PC and transfer my data to the software. 

It's all coming together to help me manage and put this thing called Diabetes in its place.  Gives me hope and some peace.  

Here is to a peaceful, prosperous and healthy New Year for everyone. 

Namaste.

Well, I've hit bottom

Day 95... do I really need to keep counting the days?

Probably not. :)

I'll do so for key milestones.

Weight: 333.2
A1C: 11.2

Doctor's diagnosis? Full blown Type II Diabetes. 

How do I feel about it? Scared, depressed and motivated.

 I'm not on two medications. Crestor and Metformin.



Goal 1: Lose the weight, get diet and sugars under control. Get off medication.

Goal 2: Find other forms of stress reduction than eating. Big one is exercising, second big one is music & meditation.

Goal 3: Just enjoy life everyday because you never know how much longer you have.

That is all for now, Happy Holidays EVERYONE!!

Namaste