Struggling But Waking Up

I'm not sure where things fell apart for me.  

You get up, you try to do your best in the world and regain something that you once had and it just seems so far out of reach.

I'm talking about my health.  Let me share, because it brings some perspective to me and might help someone else.

83 to 87 - around 200 to 215 pounds.  More active than I am now, that's for sure.  Nothing sport related.  

87 to 91 - shot up from 215 to 355.  Stress and emotional related eating. Quit smoking in 91.

91 to 92 - went on Richard Simmons Deal-a-meal went back down to 225 and was featured in his newsletter in 94.  

93 to 94 - became vegetarian, went down to 180.  Bones were showing.  Not health for my big boned body.

95 to 96 - gradually put on some weight again.  Still vegetarian, but brought it back up to 200 to 205 Walked at the Morton Arboretum a lot and all over Naperville during these 91 to 96 years.

97 to 99 - put a little weight on to play Jake in the Blues Brothers.  Went up to 235 to 245.  98 I went back to meat.  Smoked again till 99.  

00 to 04 - hovered between 245 and 260 drinking more, started smoking again in 2003.

05 to 08 - hovered between 260 and 280

2008 - Quit smoking for good this time.

08 to 10 - Boom, up to 380.  Smoking gone, no exercise and emotional eating from job tanking.  Add to that undiagnosed sleep apnea at the time.

11 to 12 - Dropped back down to 325 with low glycemic diet. A little walking.  Got my CPAP. Diagnosed Sleep Apnea and GERD.

2012 - 12/7/12 my D day.  Diagnosed Type 2 Diabetes.  A1C 11.2 Blood Sugar that morning was 582.

13 to 16 - Mild weight gain.  Various medications.  Swings down and then back up.  Went down to 298.  Went up to 335.  Hovered there.  Exercise all over the place.

2017 - A1C high, 5 medications and a new one that has made me gain weight back. Diabetic neuropathy (nerve pain in the feet).  My pants aren't closing very well, problems breathing, back goes out (and I mean severe lower back pain and spasms) when I walk more than a block.  My sugars were normal for a while, but now starting to run high again.  My A1C dropped down to 6.6 at my last visit. Managed diabetes range. Weight at the doctors office was 365.  Now 370 after a couple of weeks. Add to that the fact that I'm struggling with panic attacks, anxiety and depression, which I have started taking a medication for.  

So at 52, I'm a mess.  I get mixed signals about what I want to do and where I want to go with career. I get mixed feelings about what I want to learn and what I want to do for my health and well being. And I'm not talking mixed signals from others.  I'm talking mixed signals from my own dialog. 

"Yeah, wouldn't it be cool to go into Data Science."

My mind says, "you're too old to relearn all the math you need to know to even begin to be in this field."

"Yeah, wouldn't it be cool to write some novels and some self help books?"

My mind says "when are you going to find the time...what do you know that someone would want to know...you can't write self help, you're a mess, look how fat and old you are....no one wants to listen to a fat old guy." the fight goes on internally.  

Enter a book called "The Miracle Morning" by Hal Elrod.  I started reading this last month and finished it pretty quickly.  I drank in the podcasts on his site, which are awesome.  Inspiring pods from Honoree Corder, Jon Vroman, Christine Hassler, Ryland Engelhart and Jon Berghoff to name a few.  Just incredible stuff.  I feel like a sponge right now.  Jon Vroman's book just came out called "The Front Row Factor".  I just spent my last couple of dollars that I had this week to get a copy of it. His interview with Jon Berghoff on the Achieve Your Goals podcast that is from Hal Elrod's site, was one of the most inspiring talks I've heard in years.  Not only that, but it's making me rethink a few things.  

I seem to be chasing after something that isn't there, instead of living in the moment and healing myself.  I got out of the radio shows, because I felt the need to shift my purpose.  I thought I knew what I wanted it to be, but I'm not so sure anymore.  So while I'm deep diving into what I want that to be when I grow up, I'll still be heading towards some form of Data Science, which I might only try to focus on one aspect of it.  A lot of what I already do, can be considered as data science, but it isn't labeled that at the moment.  It's always about semantics in IT and ADA (another damn acronym). 

The writing piece I really want to do, but we'll see where that leads too as well.  I think my big main focus for me is to get my health under control.  Lose the weight, exercise, meditate and eat healthy. I'm also going to start practicing the Miracle Morning.  If you have not read this book or have been mildly interested in reading it, I couldn't recommend it more.  It's what started this ball rolling.  Hal Elrod is a genuine guy.  He's also battling a rare form of cancer at the moment and Jon Berghoff has stepped into do his podcasts for him while he heals.  My gratitude for him is immense.  He's helped to wrench me out of my rut.  Mr. Vroman took it a step further last night, while I was stuck in deep traffic riding home.  I am really looking forward to diving into "The Front Row Factor".  If you are not familiar with Jon's foundation, The Front Row Foundation, go check it out.  It's a very cool Wish model.  

So, what about music?  Well, I'll always be creating music.  I'm just getting into working on a side project with a great songwriter.  So I'll keep you all informed as that becomes available.  I still want to do a duo performance project with my wonderful wife.  We'd like to do some ConcertWindow style shows and then start branching out into the community to perform at various venues in the area. Music is in my blood.  It always will be.  I have plans for a new piano album and a new ambient meditation album as well.  Plus I have always wanted to record a guided meditation.  Mike Sherrill has told me several times that I'd be good at putting people to sleep.  (said in his voice. kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk) 

The mojo is working again.  Time to pull myself out of the quagmire that I have been stuck in for quite some time.  Time for the Sleeper to Awaken.  Stay with me my friends as the phoenix tries to rise from the ashes once again.  

"A person needs new experiences. It jars something deep inside, allowing them to grow. Without change something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken." (Duke Leto Atreides - "Dune")

Deep Thoughts

This year has got off to a crappy start in some ways. In others it's been pretty cool.  You never realize how powerless you can be until illness and disability hit you. Five weeks of coughing, losing sleep and then cracking a rib from coughing and being disabled right in you tracks. Every movement hurts. Every breath. Every fart, cough, burp, nose blown and BM, hurts. Even eating to some degree. But when you can't sleep for three days while your body adjusts, it just sucks on all levels.

You become grateful for the little things. Being able to lay down and get at least six hours without a sharp knife pain in you back, is one of them. You realize that:

1. You have to lose weight.
2. You have to really focus on your meditation practice so that you can bypass the nawing pain.
3. You have to start exercising to get your back muscles back so that this doesn't happen again. Or at least to get it to the point where it takes more before it happens again.
4. That you really need to focus on those things you've been putting off. Because something like this teaches you that it could have been worse and you might not ever get those things done if you had something more disabling happen to you.
5. That the person that you married is there for you no matter what. Through thick and thin, you are a team and you'll do anything in you power to take care of the other person no matter what happens. That's pure gold right there and true unconditional love.
6. That your animals know something is wrong and you need love and comfortable cuddles.
7. That it's okay to show that scared child that's within you and that it's not being weak to cry or show it.  That this whole "toughen up and be a man" thing is horseshit.
8. Happiness is found in your state of mind in the moment. The second you can breathe deeply without pain is a great moment.
9. You will heal.
10. You will get better.
11. You will move on.
12. And you will probably forget some of this stuff.
13. But you have this blog entry to remind you.

So for now, rest, heal, focus and let go. Tomorrow will be there for you, as will all the stuff on your to-do list.  Positive thing for today? Pain has backed off a bit and coughing has almost subsided.

May you all find peace of some kind today.

Marching On!

Another day, another day, another day...

Yeah, and another blog post!  LOL  You know what?  I haven't done very well with blogging.  It has not been a focus like I wanted it to be.  A new year resolution of mine was to start blogging and writing again.  I have 4 blogs.  This one, a music review one, one for diabetic stress relief and one for Thoughts For The Day.  I'm going to try to take time for all 4 now.  It's not like I have to do these huge tomes of material, but sometimes I like to rant and share my store or what's going on inside me.  Big thing with me, was kick-starting my health plan again.

What was stopping me again?  Fear? Laziness? Doubt? A little of each. Laziness because of exhaustion from work and stress.  Fear of the pain of working out or starving myself with a diet and of people looking at me and judging me at the gym.  Doubt in the form of "is this going to work?", "I'm not good at keeping an exercise schedule" and "do I have what it takes to do this again?".  All mind memes.  Or what Richard Broadie coined as "Viruses of the Mind". (fascinating read, by the way) and brought to light in a big way, by late great author Wayne Dyer (RIP) in "Excuses Be Gone!".

In the past, you've read some posts of "trudging on" or "starting over again".  Yeah, that "stuff" has to stop.  I'm gonna or I should had to stop.  You can only should all over yourself so many times before should hits the fan.  I'm definitely committed this time.  Back in November, I touched 355 pounds again. I started to use MyFitnessPal again.  Even over the holidays I was keeping track of what I was eating when I took my two week vacation.  I still indulged myself in some fun holiday foods, but I didn't over do it, like I have in the past.  Today I am at 331 pounds.  24 pounds down from where I was just over 2 months ago.  I feel like I'm starting to see some descent progress.

We went out last weekend to the New Balance store in Batavia and I purchased a brand new pair of walking shoes and started to head to the Vaughn Athletic Center in Aurora after work to walk their great upstairs track.  The pain of starting a walking regimen again, sunk in, but I worked through it.  Still working through it as I type this.  My left hip is killing me this morning, but it's just a pain of getting back into exercise.  Going to push through it and do some stretching exercises in a bit,  because I'm starting to feel better walking again.  I love these new shoes too!!  The sales associate at New Balance was awesome.  It's one of the best experiences in a store, that I have had in a long time.
It feels good to write again.  Sharing my journey is something I've wanted to do all along.  Why?  Because maybe someone will get something out of it.  We can all get support, tips, hope, struggles, fears, happiness and insight from other's stories.  I love reading other people blogs and stories and interacting with them, when I get the chance.  Reading other blogs has given me so much inspiration and motivation to become introspective and move forward with my hopes and dreams as well.  Maybe someone will glean something from what I say.  If so, great; if not...well, it's just a platform for me to share.

Have a peaceful weekend everyone.  Stay safe on the East Coast from Jonas. Hunker down and read a good book. :)

Peace everyone,
Dave

Reading right now:
Success Principles by Jack Cornfield (updated version)
Excuses Be Gone! by Wayne Dyer (rereading)

Audible book:
Proven Guilty - Book 8 of The Dresden Files by Jim Butcher (excellent series)

Music that I can't stop listening too:
Les Friction - Les Friction - This is like an epic score album with vocals ala Freddy Mercury style.

Robert Jon & the Wreck - Glory Road - The best indie Southern Rock band.  This is their latest release and has some songwriting with great harmonies.  Title track is one of my favorite songs.

Two Steps From Hell - Invincible - The best epic score writers and my favorite album of theirs.

Jennifer Thomas - Winter Symphony - Jennifer is the best classical crossover composer in the world a great new holiday album but also a great Winter soundtrack.  Read my review.

Stein Thor - Skuggaskil - I can't say enough about this guy.  Everything he releases is magical.  This is mostly solo piano, until you get to track 9, with haunting flute and cello.  Stein is one of my favorite composers as well.

Lori Diamond & Fred Abatelli - Lifted - Beautiful music. Beautiful people.  Makes a beautiful album.  Takes me back to a time of great singer/songwriter music from the 70s.  Telling stories and soulfully singing some great music.  I think I have listened to this one album more in the last year than any other in my collection over the last 10.  Read my review.

Starting Back Up Again

Grandpa and Baby Belle

Started walking again this week. Finally got to a weight where my knees and back don't hurt as much. Still hurting, but still dropping weight too. Phentermine that my doc put me on two months ago, is helping a lot.

I'm grateful to have normal blood pressure to be able to use such a medication in the short term.

Blood sugar is leveling out in the mornings and doing better. Need to curb the wine. That's where I'm noticing the big issues lately.

Fully into recommitting myself to get healthy.

Today I was going to walk, but it's 90 degrees out at the moment and the air is super thick. Pollen level is high and breathing is an issue for me the opening month of Summer. So; what to do? Swimming. The pool is open. It's great for me to do some pool aerobics. Why not. :)  Looking forward to hitting the pool.

I have some video editing projects to complete and kick off this evening. One is for a CDE who is putting together program and showing what artists and musicians do to express their diabetes. I am grateful to be apart of the project. It gives me the ability to share my artwork, my music and my animations that I have worked on over the years.

Will be posting more regularly, now that I've pulled my proverbial head out of my butt.

Everyone have a peaceful and active day!

Time passes by...

3 months ago I was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes.  I've looked at it as a wake up call.  I've done some changes to diet and exercise regimens, I have even gone to classes for Diabetes Education and have also been reading like a madman.  For all the promise and hope of reversing Diabetes, they are all just really the ability to stave off the inevitable of having it come back at a later age.  You are buying time for when the pancreas actually does shut down and stops producing insulin.

I pop 4 Metformin a day, 1 Onglyza, 1 Crestor, 1 Omeprazole and 1 hit in each nostril of Dymista (Flonase with an allergy medicine in it for sinusitis).  It is my daily pill regimen now. I sit here listening to Yes' album "The Ladder", with promises of a better day and a hopeful life and love and light and all those things, but it doesn't mean they will come true.  But I would like to believe that there is some moment of peace for me that I have not found yet with this disease that I have.  I've not let it bother me till tonight, but taking the pills tonight, it struck me.  Is this to be the rest of my life?  Popping pills to keep the inevitable at bay?

I have thought of going Vegan, I have read so much from the books "Forks Over Knives", "Engine 2 Diet", "The China Study" and also Neal Barnard's book "Reversing Diabetes", and I have high hopes that even something like this might help. But will it really help me?  I'm not sure.  I trudge on as time passes and pop pills several times a day.

Okay, so I'm not having to wear a pump or poke myself with a needle to give myself insulin...yet, but I know one day it will come.  Some say, "well, you could also get hit by a bus tomorrow."  true, very true, and I guess I look at that perspective as well, but sometimes I sit here and just let it get to me, so I write.  And I share.  Because you never know who is out there who has some of the same feelings and issues based on what is going on inside while dealing with Diabetes or any disease for that matter.  Know you're not alone in that thought.

I've been asked many times now, "how are you feeling?" Not just by Facebook lately (LOL) but walking into the doctor's office, the dentist recently and my favorite, the Diabetes Ed Nurse and Dietitian.  I didn't even think of it bothering me in the beginning.  I was handling it pretty well.  I've been learning about stress and stress relief while researching for my site www.diabeticstressrelief.com and while doing this have been reading about how some people have extreme stress anxiety as it relates to their Diabetes.  Its overwhelming to them.

Diet, exercise, pills, testing your blood glucose regularly, counting calories and trying your best not to go overboard on eating and getting lazy or complacent with your exercise is stressful. You have thoughts of "why even worry about it?" or struggling with your own mortality before you want struggle with it.  Well, the overwhelm has hit me.  I'm sitting here and trying to listen to some positive music tonight and writing to let go of some of this stress.  I've watched some of my videos and those do relax me, which is cool that my own stuff works on me pretty well, but  I had to put on some Yes as well.  I needed some positive reinforcement and some blogging.

If I can share just one thing with people, its to relax and let go.  Writing helps, music helps (positive lyrics or just instrumentals), watching an uplifting movie; for some prayer helps, meditating, visualization exercises...whatever it takes, hang in there for one more day.  Things are always better and brighter tomorrow, but mostly, be in the present moment.  Sit with this thing called Diabetes and realize that its something that is a part of you now, it does not own you, you own it.  You do not have to let it rule you, make you an emotional mess or ruin your vision of a brighter future, because that comes from a place of fear and as it is said in the book "Dune"...

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." 

Conquer that fear and replace it with some happiness.

A friend pointed me to an article that talked about finding the "Drops of Awesome" and to fill up that bucket with every drop of awesome that I can think of.  That's what I have been trying to do as I sit here and write and share.

I leave you with this.  A song from the album that I've been listening too this evening, the band is Yes, the song is from "The Ladder" and is called "Finally".  Listen to the words, very powerful and they help me get centered from the fear that I create in my mind about this disease.  "Finally we've put it to the test!"  One last thing to report, my 3 month check, was great.  My A1C is 6.8 now and that is considered "under control" for a Diabetic.  It was 11.2 when I saw him 3 months ago.

Namaste,

Dave

Sometimes You Need to Refocus

Yeah, it's late.  Yeah, I'm tired.  And sometimes you are battling internal struggles with weight and self esteem and need to refocus on what you are trying to accomplish.  This is my battle song, and it happens to be called "Battles".  This was Axe's "Comfortably Numb" or "Crystal Ball"  Just some good stuff.  Great lead guitar part.  I listen to this to give me strength and let me know that I can carry on and do anything. And I will.

Trudging Along With Hope and Happiness

Since Dec 7th, 2012, when I was diagnosed with fullblown type II Diabetes, I have been up and down with my emotions and weight.  I'm on four brand new medications, diet changes and tracking everything that I do now (diet, blood pressure, sleep and glucose).  It all seemed overwhelming at first, until last night when I started to see a glimmer of balance and some hope. 

My wife and I went to diabetes education group classes last night and for once I didn't feel alone in the world of my disease.  These were people that were just diagnosed or have had it but didn't have the right education for how to manage it.  Now, not everything the teachers were teaching was accurate.  In fact, we walked away from the clases going, "huh?" at a lot of things my doctor had told us that contradict what these educators were saying.  We just received the latest ADA book called Diabetes A to Z.  I highly recommend it, because it is current and up to date information that is easy to understand.  It's not a huge book either, but it has a lot of great information in it.  

The teachers, a CDE (certified diabetic educator) and a CN (certified nutritionist) are not up to speed on some of their items they are teaching.  So much so, that it is misleading to these people that are in the class with us.  How confusing is that?  How do you tell these nurses to go update themselves on the latest information and literature that is put out by the ADA and stop teaching things that are not part of the ADA curriculum anymore?  So I just have to let that go and hope that these people get some right education from their doctors.  I am going to tell my doctor (since he is prescribing these courses) that these two are not sharing some of the right information.  The one has been teaching nutrition for 10 years and the other has been doing diabetes education for 27 years.  

I'm from the IT field.  Where we constantly have to learn new technologies and upgrade our coding skills when new versions of software come out.  If you don't, you are out of a job or get left in the dust.  These are people lives you are dealing with, and if you don't upgrade your skills, you should probably be out of a job too.  Just sayin'.  

So, we did walk away with some good tips and some not so good tips.  But it was just wonderful to be with people who all had the same questions and were going through the same set of issues and emotions that we all go through when diagnosed.  It was nice to have a group of people to lean on.

Maintaining the new regimen of exercise has been tough this week because I have a nasty head cold.  Probably the worst I've had in a few years.  I found out a lot of information of how our blood sugars get whacked out by having a cold or flu. I did not know could happen, until last night.  So this is one piece of good information that I have walked away with last night.

I have started to use MyFitnessPal instead of MyNetDiary.  The UI is more friendly and the database is absolutely huge! You can scan item bar-codes and set your goals, blog and make some new friends in weightloss along the way.  I've seen SparkPeople, LoseIt and several others, but this works with my FitBit that I just ordered to help track my steps, stairs, sleep and other items.  My software for my Accu-Check Nano came today as well, so now I can hook it up to my PC and transfer my data to the software. 

It's all coming together to help me manage and put this thing called Diabetes in its place.  Gives me hope and some peace.  

Here is to a peaceful, prosperous and healthy New Year for everyone. 

Namaste.

Day 45 - Failure and Relentless Pursuit

Lots of thinking; lots of falling off the wagon; lots of failure; but more importantly a huge new beginning.

Stress can take a toll on your psyche.  Especially when you are trying to make the right choices in your health and diet journey.  For the past 6 months, I've been worried about my place in my world.  The job, the band, the family, and the overall pinch of stress I see myself in.  Stress is all a state of mind and generally its self created.  You can choose to go through life with a calm demeanor; breathing and staying present in the moment, while focusing on your choice at hand and how you can accomplish the goals that are part of the path that you are on at the moment.  Yeah, that was deep and good advice, but sometimes hard to follow when you just get "caught up", as Tony Robbins would say.

The Job:  We've been in talks all year about me switching from being a consultant to becoming an employee full time.  Well, it has finally transpired.  I'm happy with the settlement to switch to employee and I'm very happy to be working as an employee of Wheels, Inc.  The stress?  Well, it was the worry of switching and becoming an employee again.  Would my needs of salary be met?  Would I be working for this person or that person?  Would I miss being a consultant?  I think all those questions have been answered satisfactorily.  In fact, I'm very happy and stress free now.  I can now take on the job at hand and its very exciting.  Stress 1 gone.

The Band:  Questions of our future seemed up in the air the past couple of months, but resolution occurred just yesterday with our continuation and some issues being ironed out.  We continue on and we will be victorious.  Stress 2 gone.

The Family:  There isn't any real stress going on here, other than we seem to not be motivated to stick to our diet and exercise program.  We overcame one very great hump this last week, deciding to re-up our YMCA membership.  Out of the gyms we have belonged to over the past few years, the Y seems to be the best place to workout.  Mary can still swim and I can walk the indoor track upstairs while she does the elliptical.  I can ride the StarTrack bike that I really like and start lifting weights again.  Stress 3 gone.

The main stresses are gone.  So what's the hang up?  Will power.  Plain and simple, getting motivated once again.  I have found music that is motivating me.  Not just for writing music, but motivating me to want to work out and do better for myself.  It is called Epic Score.  What is that?  Think of a movie trailer.  The epic quality of the music to bring you to a fervor and excitement within 2 minutes time.  To show the grand vision of the film you will definitely want to see in the future.  There are so many who write this style of music, but my favorites are Jo Blankenburg, Two Steps From Hell (Nick Phoenix and Thomas Bergersen) and Jennifer Thomas.  There are many others out there under various labels like Brand X Music and Future World Music.

I need to bring another person into play here as well: CJ Ortiz - The Metal Motivator!   CJ has some of the best common sense motivational techniques I have ever heard.  No BS and nothing but truth in your face in a Heavy Metal way.  As he said this morning on his Facebook post "I'm just a guy with a camera and a keyboard" oh, but CJ, you're so much more than that.   I watch and read his posts all the time.  Most of the time, its just what I need to hear.

So, I'm packing up my phone with Epic Score today and getting ready to plant my feet on the ground and seek the relentless pursuit of getting this weight off of me and getting healthy again. I'm embedding some video below of some great pieces from the artists I've mentioned above and CJ Ortiz who resembles one of my favorite songs by Triumph, "Fight the good fight every moment!  Every minute, Everday!!!!!  Fight the good fight every moment, it's your only way!"

Rock On!

Jennifer Thomas





Two Steps From Hell








Jo Blankenburg





CJ Ortiz - The Metal Motivator

Day 26 - Struggling

26 days in... lots of ups and downs this month.  Not really any time to exercise. Feels like the only exercise that I have been getting is band practice and gigging.  Two shows this month, one more in two weeks. 

Setting up and breaking down is like a "last chance workout" on the Biggest Loser. 

Excuses, excuses and more excuses.  Blood sugar is up.  Way over where I'd like it to be.  Its time to see the doc and get that under control.  We are looking into joining the YMCA again, it's a little pricey, but I used that membership more than I have used the Winfit membership to our really small gym down the road.  

Knees are starting to get bad.  In fact, while loading equipment on Friday of last week, my left knee gave out and I banged the right one with my heavy keyboard case.  I've only lost a few pounds and I'm not feeling well at all.  

I'm whining and giving excuses, but that's where I'm at, at the moment.  Hopefully this week will be a turn around.  I have been eating healthier in the mornings and lunchtime. Bringing my lunch is key and it does save a lot of money. 

Fall is here and color is changing very fast and the month has flown by.  Seems like time is getting shorter and faster.  I took the shot above, last year in October, when the color started to change.  I loved the path walking out into the water with the reflection.  It was such a peaceful day and a happy one. 

As the old joke goes... break is over... back on my head. :)

Write more soon.

Namaste

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